[[*W i n t e r T e a r s*]]

25.4.10

[[Finally]]

Ah finally I remembered the weird email I used to create this blog.

Hais.

More to complain.

The stress of being attached.

Of course there is the joy of it. But somehow all your emotions seem to be linked to his as if the blood vessels are linked to the heart. You feel the blood vessels and you can feel the heartbeat.

I am having a difficult paper on Monday. And what am I doing now?

Hais.

Just because he is sad.

But... he is sad because he wants to do something for me but is faced with a lot of obstacles.

He feels dejected by his parents and like a kid picked up from the rubbish bin.

I can't help him. I guess no one can except his parents.

Hais.

How to continue studying like this?

Hais.

And more Hais.

[[Story Written On By pZ]]*|2:49:00 a.m.|

25.3.09

[[i m not what u think i m]]

I am not strong.
I am not good. Or in fact, I am horrible.
I don't have the strength to perserve on anymore. Can I just take the easy way out?

I am irresponsible.
I am lousy.
There's nothing in me that anyone should believe to be wonderful and capable.

Just leave me out for everything...

[[Story Written On By pZ]]*|9:30:00 p.m.|

28.2.09

[[Reaction time!]]

After all the efforts in making the present, I seriously felt that something is still lacking. Wanted to fold some origami and fill a glass bottle with it. But can't find any glass bottles in the middle of the night then. So oh wells...

Anyway that was my sole birthday gift to him (: Really hoped that he liked it! But somehow I got the feeling that everyone else appreciated the gift more than he did.. Maybe I am just thinking too much ): But the thought is pretty saddening, isn't it?

Anyway, luckily this time round, I didn't have any 'major' illness on his birthday (: It was a pretty normal celebration.. As I met him after my morning meeting with my project mates, we didn't have much time before we met the other vy 08 people. And they made me buy another gift for him (a $100 voucher). Interestingly, I bought it in his presence. Just that I refuse to tell him the value of it, and insisted that he will find out after he received it. Despite being extremely broke, the vy people made me pay more so that they can pay lesser >< HAISH.. I am so broke now... running extremely low in funds currently. especially when my parents somehow (don't know on purpose or not) refuse to reimburse my books money.

And back to his reaction to the gift. He actually saw it on Saturday (the day before his birthday). Other than "Thanks!", his first reaction was... "eh. this part here the thread a bit loose right?" How disappointing! ><>< And despite being bothered by it, I still have yet found a chance to mend it. Especially now that I gave it to him already, it is even harder for me to find a chance to mend it. I shall bring along thread with me everywhere I go from now on then..

Alright.. maybe I am really thinking too much. He does appreciate it. Just that, like me, he's not someone who is able to express out his emotions very well..

[[Story Written On By pZ]]*|12:00:00 a.m.|

22.2.09

[[I am so proud of myself!]]

To add on, I am sooo super amazed by myself! I managed to finish my 2 months long task (the cross stitch!) and my powerpoint slides all by 4pm on saturday. When I only got to know about the slides on friday night or rather saturday morning abt mn. I AM SO AMAZED! :D and at the same time, so happy that it made my day despite being stuck at home a whole day today. The happiness lingers even till now! LOL.

Let me illustrate a bit of the history of this 2 month long task - cross stitch.
I started my first stitch exactly on 2nd Jan 2009 and completed on 21 Feb 2009. That makes it 51 days in exact. OMG! That's actually a pretty long period of time but given the size and number of colours on the picture, it is actually an extremely short period of time. And not forgetting I have all my assignments, lab reports, lectures, non-academic projects and events to deal with. Handling it with 7 modules is really no easy feat. I almost went crazy. So I couldnt keep it a secret anymore (given the amount of time I see him which meant I couldnt do it) so I told him. Oh yes! This 2 month long project is meant to be his birthday gift. I chiong so hard so hard to do it in time. It seemed all so impossible back then. I practically had it around me everywhere I went. I stitch each time I have free time to spare. Everytime I have free time and yet I didn't have it around me to continue, I felt so restless actually. And this project really made a lot of my "first time"s. Let me list all the quite memorable "first time"s. 1st time I did cross stitch...
while travelling home on the bus, on the train and even waiting for bus
while being half asleep
while chatting online
while stressing over all the other stuffs
while emoing / crying
while being so sad by all the comments from my friends
while reading my papers (more of not reading actually. 'cause I only have 1 pair of eyes. LOL)
while running a fever
while having a stomachache
while talking to my friend(s) over the phone

First time I...
Fell asleep with needles and scissors on bed (that's practically every single night)
Fell asleep with threads all over my bed and pillow
Fell asleep... too many already can't remember.

It is basically like my little "baby" for these 2 months. All the time and effort spent in grooming it... now it's all grown and ready to leave me ): So she bu de!

But basically I am so super glad that I finally managed to finish it and somemore done it on time for his birthday! (: And I didnt know my random comment to give it to my friend (in my out of mind state) will cause so much an impact to him?! O.o Anyway so sorry lar! Didn't know will cause such an impact. ><

[[Story Written On By pZ]]*|1:48:00 a.m.|

[[Updated!]]

Just to keep all who so randomly popped by my pathetic and outdated blog informed...

I am over the stage of all those saddening thoughts of my previous posts! (: But still my friends have yet to see him and give alternative better comments. Nonetheless, I must say how nice my mum is to him!! I am totally jealous about that >< It is like he steal my mum from me already :p

Each time I mention him to my mum, she will get all so excited about it. It is like so major event each time he drops by. I obviously don't get such treatments (be it at home, or I drop by his house). For the latter, I actually don't mind not getting the attention at his house lar. Quite stressful to have so much attention, I must admit. LOL!

Let me just state one very recent example.
His birthday is tomorrow! or rather today ('cause it's after 12mn now). So many many weeks back I randomly told my mum about it. It was during his chinese birthday during chinese new year I think. And seeing my mum's enthusiasm over his presence, I went to remind her about his birthday last week or so on purpose, just to see what she will do. It is simply entertaining to see how much she actually fuss over things related to him! (jealous! but super funny! :D) And she started thinking about what to give him. In fact, at first she was saying she shouldn't give anything. Quoted from her "I shouldn't show that I have a good impression of him". But she has always shown so obviously that she is! Being so nice to him and all :p But minutes later, she changed her mind and started fussing over what to give, when to give and how to give. Asking me to pass to him, she felt was a little insincere and weird. And I had to go through all the trouble to ask him to come to my house just so my mum can give him something. LOL. Weird thing is she kept saying how guilty she is to make him come all the way here! -.-" On the other hand, he kept saying how guilty he is to make her wait for him.. 2 weird people. -.-"

In sum, everything is pretty fine between me and him. So all those negative stuffs on the previous posts are more or less over. (:

P.S. I have a really cute and entertaining mum! And of course I will make sure no one snatches her away :p

[[Story Written On By pZ]]*|1:28:00 a.m.|

16.1.09

[[disappointment]]

Why everyone thinks so horribly of him? ): haha. So far all shocked reactions and wonder why I made that decision.

Sadness. ):

How? How? Why is everyone so disappointed? ><

Oh well.. I shall just let the sadness eat me up from inside to out for the time being.

[[Story Written On By pZ]]*|6:23:00 a.m.|

15.1.09

[[going nuts!]]

I am going nuts! Totally unlike myself and just things I shouldn't and won't do out of my normal self! ><

WHAT HAS GONE WRONG? ):

oh wells.. I guess it will get back to normal soon. Not gonna think about it already.

[[Story Written On By pZ]]*|8:23:00 p.m.|

12.1.09

[[attached]]

okay. I guess to a certain extent I should at least mention it here on my very deserted blog that I am attached. Well.. usually people say one is happily attached/in a relationship. All the sweet moments and what not.

Well well.. mine is kinda different. Honestly speaking, it didn't really started that sweet. In fact it was a total mess and complications when it started. I actually wanted to take back my words. That was the kind of sticky disgusting situation I got myself into. Oh well. but that is history I suppose. But of course I did that for a reason! I am not that unreasonable and fickle-minded. It was more of a put on standby mode rather than a take back my words.

Anyway the situation now after the Yunnan trip is much better I suppose. At least it is not that complicated anymore (: I think I should be glad. But somehow I keep getting the feeling that I am missing out on something that I ought to know. I really dread that. Or maybe it is just that friend of mine who puts things in such a way that as if I didn't know it. For all i know, I already know about it. But still I HATE the feeling of being in the dark. It takes a hell lot of effort to feign ignorance about the existence of it (which I dunno what). Haish.. What have I put myself into?!

There is a solution that I just thought of! TRUST! absolute trust in him. But I am seriously fearful if my trust would be misplaced. I don't want to be cheated. >< HOW? argh. I am going crazy! Who should I trust? I know no one other than me would possibly know the answer to this question. But I really don't know too!

Gosh at this rate, I am going to suffocate from this struggle.

Ah okay. now I know part of it. And yes I do know of it already.. insecurity.. hmm.. but that's just the least? What's more?

Ah. my head is spinning from all these things.. I knew relationships aren't good things to step into. That's why my stand for pro-evergreen! My advice to all those not attached. don't get attached. haish..

Lastly for all those concerned about me, don't worry. I am far (at least I think pretty far) from a break up currently. Just the usual emo and think too much till my head spins round and round and round.

[[Story Written On By pZ]]*|1:10:00 a.m.|

[[*The Writer*]]

name: peizhen
bdae:05 may 1989
age: 19+
horoscope: taurus
nicks: pz
skool: peiying pri, st nicks, vj, nus
location: singapore
worth: $2,133,082

resolution: none currently

[[*My Adores*]]

food:any food!
drinks: iced cold ones! esp chocolate!
pastimes: listening to music, playing music, slacking, stoning
people: all who consider me as a friend! (:

[[*My Detests*]]

people: none so far! hopefully forever too!
food: anything tasteless or taste horrible!

[[*Music's Playing*]]

artist: tank
song: give me your love

[[*My Past Memories*]]

[[*The Conversations*]]

[[*My Friends*]]

[[*Credits*]]